Don’t Like Your Current Situation? Take Charge and Change it!

Don’t make a habit of collecting red flags, you only need one.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was that I needed to get very clear about what I wanted (in a career, in a partner, in just about everything), and if I wasn’t clear, it would be in my best interest to make it my job to figure that out – quickly. That’s because when we are clear about what we want, it becomes crystal clear when something, or someone isn’t in alignment with that.

Fortunately, there’s some really great news!

Even when we’re not exactly sure about what we want, we have this incredible internal guidance system that gives us very useful clues regarding whether a situation is right for us or not.

If you ever want to tap into that guidance system, you only need to do one thing – pay attention to how you are feeling. If you dread going to work every day – that’s a red flag; if the person you’re dating or in a relationship with leaves you feeling disregarded or disrespected, and they are making more excuses than actual commitments – that’s a red flag. If every interaction with a certain person, or activity leaves you feeling drained, or less of your true self – that’s a red flag.

Important Reminder! It’s more than ok to change your mind. Just because you loved playing a sport or instrument in the past doesn’t mean you have to force it to be your passion now. Just because you wanted to pursue a certain career when you were younger doesn’t mean that needs to be your major in college or career path now. As we grow, our interests can change. If it no longer feels right to you, if it no longer feels like you , pay attention to that sign. It’s ok to stop, pivot, and try something else. Explore your options, create new options, and find new interests and passions.

Still feeling a little unsure about a situation?

Meditate. Spend some time in silence. Focus on your breathing, and try to get in tune with how you are feeling. You might find that the only distraction-free time you have is while you’re in the shower – go for it! Just carve out some time to focus on your breathing, and be still.

Spend time in nature. Being in nature is a very grounding experience, and it can help you find clarity when your mind feels jumbled or it’s difficult to sort through your emotions. Get outside. If you’re close enough to a tree, reach out and touch one. If the weather allows it, walk barefoot outside or sit in the grass. You can also visit a local park or botanical garden, or browse the aisles of your local plant store. Even caring for a potted plant, or planting a seed helps. Feel the energy around you, and connect to it. Release all expectation; focus on how effortlessly the grass grows, and the seasons change.

Share your feelings. Sometimes it’s difficult to figure out what you’re feeling because you have too many thoughts swirling around in your mind. Get it all out. Either put it all on paper in the form of a journal, or speak with an impartial person who you can trust to respect your privacy and listen without judgement (a good friend, life coach, or therapist would be a great option).

Journal Prompts/ Reflection Questions:

• If this _________________ (person, job, living situation, schedule, diet etc.) were to remain this way indefinitely, with no change, would I be OK with that?

• Are the things that are bothering me just little annoyances, or are they hurting me at my core? Am I becoming more withdrawn and less like myself?

• What would an ideal scenario look like? How different is it from my reality, and how can I bridge that gap?

I see the red flags and I’m ready for change…now what?

Change can be difficult. For some of us, we don’t want to come across as ungrateful, or we’re simply afraid of the unknown. It might seem less intimidating to deal with the problems we’re used to than face something new. Other times we are certain that we don’t want to be in the situation we’re in, but we simply can’t find the way out of it – either because of limited resources, or limited energy.

Here are a few things you can do:

1. Build a village: Look for people and organizations that can help. Seek out people who are supportive, helpful and encouraging and start building a network.
2. Plan your exit. You might not financially be able to leave a job you hate, but you can start applying for other jobs, and asking your network if they can make any referrals or recommendations. You can also start learning new skills that can help you in a new career path.
3. Remember your past successes. There’s a pretty good chance that there’s been a time in your life where you boldly took a chance and it paid off. Remember that, regardless of how small it was, know that you’re capable.
4. Seek out role models. Find people (in person or online) who have done the thing you want to do. These could be people you actually know or complete strangers. They can even be people from a different time period who you might never meet, but who have written books, or documented their journey in a way that it can help you on your path. Remind yourself of the success stories and map out your our journey.
5. Dabble. If you’ve always wanted to do something, why not try it in small doses? If you have a business idea, why not try it out as a side business, carve out time to work on it. If you’ve been curious about a new path, volunteer, attend events, get in that space, learn more about it.

If your inner guidance system is telling you to change. Listen, move towards a possible solution, and take action.

Here are a few examples:

1. The job you don’t want, but you’re grateful for

After being laid off unexpectedly, a friend of mine was grateful to land a new job. She had spent months sending out resumes and going to interviews, and was relieved to finally end the search. The work wasn’t exactly what she wanted to be doing, but the people at her new job seemed very excited to have her on board, and she was tired of looking. About a month after starting her job, two things happened simultaneously: 1) she started feeling like her current job wasn’t a right fit for her. She dreaded the work day, and most days were spent feeling dread and anxiety. 2) she received an offer from her dream company. The pay was less, but the work was exactly what she wanted.

While some of her friends advised her to stay at her current job, after all she had just completed all this training, and her existing job paid more, and it might “look bad” to leave so soon after starting, she decided to follow her instincts and leave anyway. She knew her current job was not what she wanted. The red flag was clear, so she took a chance and left. That was over five years ago; she’s still with her dream company and now makes even more money now that she would have at the previous company. She also loves the work she does, and the people she works with. She’s told me that she’s grateful to have made the decision to not settle for something she didn’t want, just because they wanted her.

2. The relationship you’ve invested a lot of time in

After spending all of high school and university with the same boyfriend, and with families and friends deeply intertwined, a friend of mine couldn’t help but feel stuck. She had big dreams for her life and career; her boyfriend however had absolutely no interest in his future. She made an effort to help, and leveraged connections she had to get him enrolled in a local community college – he didn’t show up, she was then able get him a job with her father’s company – he turned it down. Instead, he wanted to play video games, and hang out with his friends. I remember her asking me, “Can I really leave after investing all this time? We have a history, our families love each other, we share the a lot of the same friends. ” I asked her if she felt as if she was was being flexible and making a compromise, or if she felt like she was dimming her light, ignoring her needs, and putting herself on the back burner. Her response was fast and impassioned: “It’s the latter! 100%!!!” We paused and sat in silence. There was no need for further discussion after that.

She decided to end the relationship shortly after that conversation. Six months later, while on vacation, she met a man who she had an instant connection with. Not only did they seem perfectly aligned regarding what they wanted for their future, more importantly, she felt good when she was around him. She felt empowered, like she could be 100% herself. It was as if all her best features were being brought out, and she felt excited abut her future. When there was an issue or a disagreement, he encouraged her to use her voice and share her thoughts, ideas, and feelings. Just over a year later they were married. This year they celebrated 17 wonderful years of marriage, and have three beautiful children.

Trust Your Inner Voice

Stepping into the unknown can feel scary and intimidating, but it can also be empowering and life changing. If you feel the whispers guiding you, take that leap of faith and go in the direction on what feels good in your soul. Every red flag is a message, telling you that you need to pivot, course correct, and make a change. Trust your inner voice and create the life you truly desire – one step, one decision, one action item at a time.