“Everything you want is on the other side of fear”
“What would you do if you couldn’t fail?” That’s one of those questions that I’ve heard over the years, designed to get me to step out of my comfort zone and take a chance. Typically it works for a moment and then, without fail, that fear of failure creeps its way back in.
Most of us have a “fear roadblock”. For me it’s failure, for others it might be attention, conflict, abandonment, being misunderstood, rejection, or something else; but for most of us, fear tends to be right around the corner, lingering, causing us to hesitate before taking an action that we really want to take. Fear tells us to settle into where we are because, even if it’s not working for us, we’re used to it and we’ve adapted to the current set of circumstances.
Well, if you’re like me, you already know that while fear might stop you from taking a certain action, it doesn’t seem to make that thing you want to do go away. In fact, that little whisper in your mind nudging you along only seems to get a little louder as time progresses. Whether it’s launching a business, walking away from a relationship, buying that house, or just having a really honest conversation with someone in your life, not taking that action will eventually start making your life feel increasingly more uncomfortable.
So how do you let the little whisper telling you to “do it!” drown out the loud shouts of fear telling you not to?
The answer might not be easy, but it’s pretty simple – don’t try to face your fear, don’t try to reduce your fear, don’t try to overcome your fear…leave fear out of it completely. CHANGE YOUR FOCUS.
Here’s how it works:
The opposite of fear is LOVE, so that’s where your attention needs to be. Focus on love and being of service. Let’s look at a few examples:
Claire has had a burning desire to quit her corporate job and open a bakery. It’s a dream she’s had since childhood, and she has fond memories of making cookies and pastries with her grandpa. Now as an adult she often bakes for friends and coworkers who repeatedly tell her, “these are great, you should sell these!”, she looks at magazines, watches TV shows, walks by other bakeries and sighs thinking, “I wish that were me” but year after year, she takes no action towards seeing this dream come to fruition because she’s terrified of failing. What if the business fails and she loses all her money? What if she can’t get the prices down to match a competitor? And what makes her pastries that great anyway? There are great pastries everywhere from the local stores to the big chain supermarkets… and on and on and on.
Instead of focusing on what could go wrong, Claire decides to do the absolute opposite – focus on what she loves. She starts thinking about why she loves baking and how she feels when people enjoy one of her creations. Putting her focus squarely on her love of baking and sharing her food with others, she signs up for business classes and begins learning more about how to open a successful business. She attends conferences, starts networking with others who are successful in the industry (business owners, suppliers, caterers) and seeks out mentors who are successfully doing what she’d love to do. Aunt Bertha might mean well when she says, “that’s a bad idea and you could lose your shirt!”, but Aunt Bertha’s not a successful entrepreneur so she isn’t exactly a good person to take advice from. Instead of letting fear keep her on the sidelines, Claire decides to align herself with like-minded individuals and focus on what she has to offer; by making that small adjustment in her focus, she is able to move forward.
Here’s another example:
Jacinda has recently overcome depression and years of struggling with eating disorders; as a result, she has been invited to speak at a local support group. She desperately wants to contribute but she’s afraid of speaking publicly. “What if I talk too fast or I’m not interesting enough? I’m still struggling with my relationship with food, who am I to tell anyone else what to do…” the fearful thoughts come at her hard, and instead of saying yes, fear keeps her stuck and unwilling to participate.
Rather than focusing on the fear, Jacinda decides to focus on love and being of service. When she reflects on her journey through her eating disorders, she remembers how alone and isolated she felt and how much she would have valued hearing from someone who had made it through such a dark time. Instead of allowing fear to hold her back, Jacinda gets her power from love and her desire to help others, and share what she has learned over the years. By focusing on what she can give, she finds the strength to do the speech; but she doesn’t stop there, she also launches a YouTube channel so she can reach even more women with similar struggles. These steps eventually lead to a successful career and more financial independence than she’s ever had.
Regardless of what fear is keeping you from doing, the solution remains the same – focus your attention on what you love, and what you have to offer. Once you place your focus squarely on being of service, you regain the power to pursue the life you’ve always wanted.
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