“Every fault you find in others is usually a reflection of something you don’t like about yourself.”
A few years ago I remember being really frustrated with a friend of mine who was in, what I perceived to be, a pretty terrible relationship. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why she wouldn’t leave this guy who appeared to be stringing her along.
“Why doesn’t she see that she deserves better than that jerk?” I used to wonder. And I couldn’t let it go, it really bothered me. I particularly didn’t like that he would make comments about their future, as if he was actually going to move to her city (he lived in another state but he worked from his laptop and could be stationed anywhere), he just had to “find a place he liked”. He also changed the subject whenever she mentioned that she’d move to be closer to him. It was pretty clear from where I was sitting that his future plans didn’t include her.
I did my best to not say anything to her about it, it clearly wasn’t my place, but I was really bothered by it. On a practical level, I understood that this was her life and she should be supported in doing whatever she wanted to do, especially as it had absolutely no impact on me, but that didn’t change the internal frustrations I felt about the whole situation. That was until I got the aha message bright and clear from another friend of mine. We were catching up and she made the comment, “why are you still at that job? you are sooo much better than that place! Are they still promising you that you’ll get a raise and a promotion when it’s in the budget? Ugh, we both know they’re lying, you deserve better than that.”
That’s when, like being hit with a ton of bricks, I had a reality check. The reason why I was so irritated that my friend didn’t walk away from her relationship was because it reminded me of the fact that I wasn’t walking away from my job. Like her, I was in a relationship that wasn’t serving me, hanging on to a hope that I knew would never come to fruition, afraid to start over after all the time I’d invested, insecure about whether I still had it and could land something better. Sure, for her it was a man and the promise of a future together and for me it was a job and the promise of a promotion, but that’s really where the differences ended. My frustration with her was misplaced, I was really frustrated with myself.
Once I got that message, I started seeing her as a mirror. Every time I saw her, it served as a reminder that I was settling when knew I deserved more. I decided to give myself the same advice I’d given her – “look, don’t allow fear to control your life… it doesn’t matter how much time you’ve already invested, what matters is what you’re going to do today to propel you forward and serve you the best…”
Whenever she vented to me about the guy, I’d immediately think “we are so similar…” By understanding that we were both in the same boat, there was no room for judgement, only compassion and sensitivity. And when I felt tempted to dish out some unsolicited advice, I’d ask myself “have I taken my own advice lately? Because if not, maybe I ought to start there”. Once I redirected that energy back to myself and what I ought to be doing, I started taking action. I ended up leaving the company and getting a better job elsewhere, with the title and pay that I wanted.
I also started looking at all my interactions with people as mirrors and lessons. Without fail, I started to find even more examples of misplaced frustrations. Some mirrors were hard to face, I found myself on several occasions thinking, “I’m nothing like that guy, I can’t stand that guy…” and putting walls up; but when I allowed myself to have an open heart and mind and seek the similarities, they were always there.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
- There’s no room for judgment on the path to being your best self. If you find yourself judging someone, even yourself, it’s misguided. Find the root cause of the irritation, face it, address it, and move on.
- Be kind to yourself and others. We all stumble at times, we all lose our way and our confidence every once in a while. Perfection isn’t necessary, but progress is. When you know better, make the commitment to do better.
- Seek the Lessons – I believe everyone we interact with has the opportunity to teach us a lesson that can greatly improve and enhance our life. Some lessons are deeply painful and unpleasant, and quite frankly I think we could all do without, but we can’t control them, so we might as well seek the learning opportunity and find a way to allow the experience/ lesson to move us forward.
Next time you find yourself feeling frustrated at someone else’s behavior, or with the way they are living their life, take a minute to pause and ask yourself: “where in my life am I doing the same thing?”, redirect that energy, and use what you are feeling as a catalyst for a positive change that’s needed in your own life.
No Comments