How to be Happier

“Happiness is a direction, not a place.”

Sydney J. Harris.

Have you fallen victim to the “I’ll be happy when…” trap? Here’s what that looks like:

There’s something you really want, like a new relationship or a promotion at work; you obsess about it, hold on to it, think about it, wish and pray for it. You spend so much of your energy wanting this thing to happen that instead of seeing it as something that will enhance your life, you start seeing it as the thing that will make you happy. The more you desire it, the more undesirable your actual life appears until you get to a point where you’re not even enjoying the life you currently have because it’s not the one that you’ve been wishing for.

I call this the I’ll be happy when trap because that’s exactly what it is, a trap. The reality is, if you’re counting on a future set of circumstances to make you happy (like a new relationship, weight loss, or a new job) the odds are that you’ll wind up feeling very disappointed. On an intellectual level most of us already know this. If you look back on your life, there are probably several instances where you were convinced that if you achieved something (something that you actually have in your life today), you’d be blissfully happy. Then you achieved it, felt great, but then after some time passed that bliss started to wear off. There’s actually a scientific reason for this.

According to a study done by positive psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky, our happiness level depends 50% on our genetics, 10% on circumstances, and 40% on our outlook.

50% Genetics – Similar to having a weight baseline that our body often returns to despite dieting, around 50% of our happiness works the same way. We might have a few fluctuations, but based on our genetic makeup we often tend to return to the same happiness set point.

What if I don’t have the happy gene? Before you start worrying about whether or not your genetic makeup has left you incapable of happiness, there are a few things to consider. Similar to set points with weight, your genetic makeup might make it a bit more challenging to easily maintain high happiness levels, but you CAN still achieve it. People do it every day. Like with weight, it just means that you’ll need to be more intentional and consistent with your behavior. Exercise and meditation have been scientifically proven to change the chemical balance in your brain and directly impact your overall mood and sense of well being. I’ll reference that a bit more below.

10% circumstantial – Researchers found that we are pretty adaptable species. This explains why although we initially get excited when something great happens – like getting getting a raise at work, we eventually adapt to that new normal of having that thing we wanted, and we return to our previous happiness levels.

The 40% solution.

Researchers have found that 40% of your overall happiness can be directly tied to your outlook. Here are a few things you can do to boost your sense of well-being.

Practice gratitude – Studies have found a direct correlation between happiness, longevity and gratitude. Before going to bed each night, write down 3 things that you are grateful for. This simple practice will have a profound impact on your overall sense of well being. Bonus tip: set a reminder on your phone and use one of the note taking apps already installed. There are also a few great gratitude apps available for Apple and Android phones.

Give thanks – Commit to complementing someone every day. The simple act of looking for things to appreciate will definitely boost your mood. Sending thank you notes is another great practice to add to your routine.

Introduce new experiences – Since we’re so great at adapting to our circumstances, keep that inspirational spark burning by introducing new experiences. Seek out new ways to learn and grow. Whether it’s visiting a new restaurant, listening to a new radio station, or signing up for a class at the local community college or online, look for inspiration around you.

Get social – Humans are social creatures, even us introverts benefit from human connection. This doesn’t mean filling up your social calendar with events and outings, nor does it mean making room for people who don’t bring any value to your life; but there is great power in being part of a ‘village’. Open up and let positive people in. Having meaningful connections with others adds to your quality of life. Bonus tip: while actual human interaction is ideal, joining an online supportive group or community could get you more comfortable with interacting with others and provide you with amazing connections. However, you’ll need to be very careful that you don’t succumb to mindless scrolling, or comparing your actual life to someones well curated content. If you find yourself scrolling more than you are learning, connecting and engaging, deleting your social media accounts will greatly improve your sense of well being.

Help – Support a cause that you care about. Whether you decide to start your own non-profit, or volunteer/ donate to an existing organization, being involved in helping others will make you feel better. Volunteering is also a great way to make connections with others and build a sense of community.

Practice Mindfulness – Mindfulness seems to be the current buzzword in the self-help community these days, but don’t be intimidated by the term. It’s just a fancy way of saying “pay attention to what you’re doing and feeling”. Have you ever arrived at a destination and had little memory of how you even got there? That semi conscious state is the complete opposite of being mindful. The simple act of being present will create a positive boost to the way you experience life.

Get moving – You might not be able to change your genes, but you can change the chemical makeup of your brain. Exercise inducing hormones have been scientifically proven to boost your mood, reduce stress and anxiety, improve concentration and sleep, and extend your life! This doesn’t mean that you need to sign up for an intense cardio workout like soul cycle or start training for a marathon (unless you want to), just doing enough to get your heart rate going for around 30 minutes a day is all you need.

Stop trying to be happy – this may seem counter intuitive, but if you make being happy a goal, you could wind up feeling pretty discouraged. This is because life is a smorgasbord of emotions and experiences. Experiencing occasional bouts of sadness, frustration and disappointment is a natural part of life. Don’t beat yourself up or assume that there’s something terribly wrong with you if you’re not ecstatically happy at all times. Instead, focus on creating routines and behaviors that boost that overall feeling of well being.

Feeling good doesn’t have to be a huge undertaking; by simply being present and grateful, changing your approach, exercising, and focusing on the things that uplift and inspire you, you can start living a more enjoyable life and feeling that sense of well being that you’ve been seeking.